I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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