Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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