When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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