It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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