woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
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It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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