its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
