Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
