I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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