i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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