i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
