my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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