Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
