i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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