Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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