Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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