Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
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Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
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We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.