I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.