After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
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You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???