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Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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