Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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