One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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