So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
