she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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