Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
