so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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