I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
