alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
