i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
