you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
