ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I miss vodka workout Fridays
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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