he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
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I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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