Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
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