i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
