when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
