i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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