He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
