I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
