so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
