I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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