normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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