if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You dont lie about slip and slides
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
