Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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