Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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