if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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