Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
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I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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