I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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