So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
