Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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