Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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