I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
