So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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