Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
