Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Green mimosas i think yes
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
