You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
