I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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