It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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