Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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