I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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