If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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