Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I intend to get homeless drunk
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
